


this feeling calls for everything that i am not

by insertcleveracejoke



Series: oh no, not now [1]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, M/M, Pining, because Im obsessed with Rincewind, but it got away from me, enjoy this background while I suffer, inspired by some asks in bookhobbit's blog, my boy deserves better, so uh I was originally going to write about Twoflower and Ponder bonding over risky experiments, this is gonna have a sequel you can be sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 02:53:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16359332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insertcleveracejoke/pseuds/insertcleveracejoke
Summary: For as long as he can remember, Rincewind had known fear.He knew fear. If there were a prize for being terrified he would have been too scared to accept it. But there was something recomforting in Ponder that made him want to stay near.So he did.





	this feeling calls for everything that i am not

For as long as he can remember, Rincewind had known fear.

Things had been somewhat calmer before Twoflower came along, yeah, but it had always been there. You learn to be afraid quick when you can see things few others can- when you can literally stare at Death and wonder if the blue flames in what should have been his eyes are fire or something even more strange. When you can see another color in the spectrum and watch those who learned to walk unseen in this world...

How do you teach a kid to not be afraid of the dark when he can see exactly what's there? How do you tell him he belongs when everyone around him tells him he's not a wizard, not really, but how can you be anything but that when you know in your heart that a wizard is what you are, even if you do not do that well? How can you help someone to feel safe when there's nowhere they can call home?

And then, Twoflower. The tourist had earned him chronic nightmares, scars, and the fear that had been sleeping inside of his ribcage since he was a kid swelled up and showed its ugly face again and again. Rincewind wasn't ashamed of it. He might be a coward, but he was an alive one. You can be stupidly brave but only once.

Except Twoflower, of course, who was stupidly brave all the time if only because something inside of him refused to believe danger could exist in this world. That unnerved Rincewind, who had always just assumed everything was dangerous and out to get him, if only because that meant he was always ready when it was time to run away.

Yes, the tourist had been annoying, dangerous, and their journey had been the textbook definition of traumatizing. If you opened the nearest dictionary you could see one of Twoflower's pictures right next to that word. And yet...

And yet there had been something about him. It was hard to be really angry with someone who truly, deeply believes you're actually braver and a better person than you know you are. Twoflower made him feel- well, scared, of course. Terrified all the time. Rincewind had wanted so much to run away and leave the tourist on his own. He could probably take care of himself, right? Twoflower, unlike him, never actually got hurt. It would have been the sensible thing to do. But something up there seemed to want to keep them together and no matter how far and fast Rincewind ran...

There was something up there. And something inside of him.

Because Twoflower thought he was brave. Because he called him the Great Wizard. And the way the tourist looked at him, something so soft and fond in his eyes, like Rincewind had never been looked at before. Twoflower's hands were softer than his callused ones. They still fit together.

It was stupid. It was dangerous. It was something good and the universe never, ever, gave him something that looked even remotely good without taking it away and smacking him on the head. Rincewind told Twoflower so, but he never seemed to listen.

And then he was away in a dangerous, foreign land, and the fact that he had found another Rincewind to send bad gifts to for Hogswatch didn't make him feel better about that. (Well. Not much, anyway.)

So many things happened. Years, or something that felt like that, passed. Rincewind almost forgot about Twoflower in the middle of trying to keep Roundworld in the right tracks and organizing rocks. He never actually did forget, of course. Twoflower's face showed up in his nightmares most nights. And if Rincewind missed those hands, well, that was nobody's business, now was it.

There was Ponder now, Ponder and his reckless, dangerous experiments, and Rincewind would have wondered whether he would ever have something that even looked a little like peace if you squinted had he not been entirely sure that was not his fate. All in all, Ponder was a little better. At least he didn't try to deny his experiments were dangerous. He was the most sensible person among the wizards (which was kind of like being the most lively zombie) and, now that they knew each other a little better, he at least warned Rincewind before each of the worst experiments. Ponder never thought he was braver than he truly was.

It dismayed Rincewind a little, which was stupid. That was what he wanted, right? For people to not try to pretend he was better than he was? It was good. It was that little bit safer. And yet, he was disappointed.

It took him a few months to realize that Ponder didn't care.

Stibbons knew he was a coward, knew he screamed himself awake every night- hard not to know, after how many times they had to sleep in the same cave in Roundworld, knew he was happiest when away from anything that could even faintly look like danger. And he didn't care. It wasn't like the senior wizards, who deemed him useless except as a kind of danger magnet that usually kept others safer, or like the students, who looked at him like someone would look at a weird teacher who liked to give lectures from under a table.

Ponder was sure Rincewind was a coward and carried on anyway, sure in his knowledge that, okay, he might not be the bravest guy in the place, but he knew more languages than most people even knew existed and was an expert on surviving dire situations, and how much more useful could you get in a place strange like the Unseen Academy? Rincewind had never before expected to be so touched by an explanation that started with "yeah, you're a coward" before. To be fair, he never expect to be touched by an explanation, period. They were usually his only warnings before being pushed to danger.

Rincewind thought that wasn't dangerous, for a change. He was wrong.

It had been hard to notice, at first, that he seemed to be always in the HEM building. Ponder frequently called him there if only because he was the only wizard around that was both sensible and not a student, and he was great at spotting possible problems with safety that could then be fixed, and he... kind of got used to being there. Since he was a kid he had always wanted to figure out how the universe worked. He knew know it probably worked by smacking his head as hard as it could everytime there was a problem, but it was nice to know there was someone who wanted to find out more about it. At this point, he probably was the best person at translating what Ponder was saying to something that more traditional wizards could understand. 

Then it got worse. Slowly, and that was the problem- Rincewind didn't expect his problems to be slow, he expected them to be fast and good with weapons or poisons, and how do you knew how to run away like that anyway?

It was always a challenge to know when you would be able to sleep when you're in an (he shuddered) adventure, so Rincewind had long ago got good at falling asleep whenever and wherever. He was also very good at waking up when something that could potentially be a threat got closer. That's why Rincewind got so confused when he woke up one day on the ground near Hex's main machine and there was not only a blanket over him but also a pillow under his head.

"You seemed uncomfortable", Ponder had said, looking vaguely distracted with something Hex had calculated. "Hope it wasn't a problem?"

"I've looked uncomfortable for years, it's amazing how good you can be at seeming uncomfortable after a few years of practice, the trick is never, ever feeling comfortable- that's not important, how did you manage not to wake me up?"

That had made Ponder look up, his expression a little puzzled.

"I was just careful, that's all", and that was how Rincewind knew he was screwed.

Not even Twoflower had managed to move him without waking him up unless he was passed out. Of course, Rincewind had fallen asleep on him a few times (he was soft, and good at not moving if only at those moments) but woken up as soon as there was some moviment.

Rincewind stared at Ponder and thought, oh shit. He's gonna get me killed.

 

It wasn't that he thought Ponder was any more dangerous than before. It was just that he didn't feel like he was a threat anymore and it was unthinkable. Everyone was a threat sooner or later. To not recognize that is to make an appointment with a very tall and thin hooded figure.

Rincewind stopped going to the HEM building and waited for the next disaster to happen.

It didn't.

Well, there had been a plague of pink chairs that liked to hit unaware wizards, and a few sentient beds had made it very awkward to fall asleep for some, but that was just regular wizard business. Rincewind was used to that in the same way the people in Fourecks were used to exclusively underground water and he was amazing at dodging.

Time passed, as it so often does. Ponder asked him to do a few experiments and told him what the risks were. Rincewind realized it was weirdly recomforting, to be warned.

He decided he should probably had never got up from his weirdly chatty bed if that was how his mind was going to behave.

But Ponder looked at him like he was a fellow wizard, like he was just as capable as the others, if capable at different things, and also there were coal buckets and laundry to think about, so he caved. 

And it was dangerous. But... just as dangerous as Ponder had warned.

You knew there was something wrong with you when you felt recomforted by the previsibility of danger. (He refused to think about that warm fluttering feeling he got in his chest when Ponder beamed at him. A "well done" shouldn't have made him feel like that.)

Rincewind gave up. He started coming at the HEM building even when Ponder hadn't called. It felt weird, to be welcomed with a smile and a question that wasn't "and what exactly do you think you're doing here, you idiot?". Stibbons seemed to... actually value his opinions. That was unheard of.

Rincewind had never fallen in love. He had never put a name to what Twoflower and him had, if only because if he tried there would have been a very likely possibility that the word would have been interrupted by a scream. It was not complicated- he knew he liked that tourist, the gods knew why, and that he liked the feel of their lips together, and that, afraid as he was all the time, he missed Twoflower. It had been simple in the way seeing two men with knives was simple: you either ran away or you gave what was wanted. Rincewind was very good at running.

He wasn't running now. Ponder didn't seem to want anything from him besides his opinion and help in some experiments, and, wonder of wonders, Rincewind wasn't any more scared than he usually was.

He knew fear. If there were a prize for being terrified he would have been too scared to accept it. But there was something recomforting in Ponder that made him want to stay near.

So he did.


End file.
